mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
