Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
