he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
