dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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