I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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