Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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