ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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