the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
