god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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