I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
