If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
