Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
only if we run a train.
done.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
