just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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