Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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