I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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