I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
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Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
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I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.