I'm laying in your front yard are you home
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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