dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
