My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
