Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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