I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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