He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
