i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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