Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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