I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need a beard to bite.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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