I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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