I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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