my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
