My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
