My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
