you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
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I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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