I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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