T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
