I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it hurts more in the daytime
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
