every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
