ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
