Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
