Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just threw up on my dentist
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
