my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
