he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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