that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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