I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
