Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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