I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
