It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
