apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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