I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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