Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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