I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
