he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
