I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
