EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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