i permit you to call me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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