Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
