after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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