I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
