His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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