dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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