she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
