Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
