Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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