after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
